文學與人生 Dream sees the invisible, feels the intangible and achieves the impossible.

Chapter 1-3  對母親的思念及內疚...

My first and only memory of my mother was the day she died. I tried for a long time to conjure up an image of her before that, just a sliver of something, like her tucking me into bed, reading the adventures of Uncle Wiggly, or hanging my underclothes near the space heater on ice-cold mornings. Even her picking a switch off the forsythia bush and stinging my legs would have been welcome.

我對母親最初和唯一的回憶是她死的那一天。我花了很長的時間嘗試要想起對她之前的印象,只有一些片段,像她將我舒服地放到被窩裡,朗讀”維格禮叔叔的歷險記”給我聽,或是在冰冷的早晨將我的內衣掛在小型電熱器旁邊.甚至是她從連翹灌木中摘了一根細枝,刺在我的腿上也很令我欣然接受.

The day she died was December 3, 1954. The furnace had cooked the air so hot my mother had peeled off her sweater and stood in short sleeves, jerking at the window in her bedroom, wrestling with the stuck paint.

她死的那天是1954年12月3日.暖氣爐讓空氣變得很熱,媽咪脫下毛衣穿著短袖衣服,在她的房間裡猛拉窗戶,與卡住的塗料奮戰.

Finally she gave up and said, “Well, fine, we’ll just burn the hell up in here, I guess.”

最後她放棄了說:”好吧,很好,我猜我们就將這東西在這裡燒了吧.”

Her hair was black and generous, with thick curls circling her face, a face I could never quite coax into view, despite the sharpness of everything else.

她的頭髮又黑又多,有很厚的捲髮圍在她的臉龐,那張臉我永遠都無法看清楚,即使其他五官都很鮮明.

I raised my arms to her, and she picked me up, saying I was way too big a girl to hold like this, but holding me anyway. The moment she lifted me, I was wrapped in her smell.

我將手臂伸向她,而她抱起了我,說我已經這樣大的女孩不該再這麼抱著,但還是抱住了我.當她舉起我的時候,我渾身都包覆在她的味道裡.

The scent got laid down in me in a permanent way and had all the precision of cinnamon. I used to go regularly into the Sylvan Mercantile and smell every perfume bottle they had, trying to identify it. Every time I showed up, the perfume lady acted surprised, saying, “My goodness, look who’s here.” Like I hadn’t just been in there the week before and gone down the entire row of bottles. Shalimar, Chanel No.5, White shoulders.

這味道以永恆的方式給了我,很確定是肉桂.我以前固定會去森林商行,聞遍他們所有的香水瓶,想要找到它.每次我出現,香水女士會表現出很驚訝的樣子,說:”哇,看是誰來了!”像是我前週沒來過這裡,也沒逛過整列的香水.一千零一夜,香奈兒5號,白色香肩.

I’d said,” You got anything new?”

我說,”有什麼新的嗎?”

She never did.

她都說沒有.

So it was a shock when I came upon the scent on my fifth grade teacher, who said it was nothing but plain ordinary Ponds Cold Cream.

所以我很震驚當我在五年級的老師身上偶然發現這個香味.她說那沒什麼,只是一般的旁氏冷霜.

The afternoon my mother died, there was a suitcase open on the floor, sitting near the stuck window. She moved in and out of the closet, dropping this and that into the suitcase, not bothering to fold them.

我母親死的那個下午,在地板上有一件打開的行李箱,放在卡住的窗邊.她來回櫥櫃,丟這丟那到行李箱,也沒想要折好才放.

I followed her into the closet and scooted beneath dress hems and pant legs, into darkness and wisps of dust and little dead moths, back where orchard mud and the moldy smell of peaches clung to T. Ray’s boots. I stuck my hands inside a pair of white high heels and clapped them together.

我跟著她到櫥櫃,在洋裝群襬和寬鬆褲管間急奔,裡面黑漆漆,有幾小把的泥土和小隻的死蛾,這是T. Ray靴子帶回來的,上面黏著果樹林泥土以及桃子腐爛的味道.我將手放進一雙白色高跟鞋互相拍擊.

The closet floor vibrated whenever someone climbed the stairs below it, which is how I knew T. Ray was coming. Over my head I heard my mother, pulling things from the hangers, the swish of clothes, wire clinking together. Hurry, she said.

當有人在下面爬樓梯時, 櫥櫃地板就會震動,這是我知道T. Ray要來了.我聽到媽咪在我頭上說快一點,從衣架拉下東西,衣服的嗖嗖聲,夾雜金屬線的叮噹聲.

When his shoes clomped into the room, she sighed, the breath leaving her as if her lungs had suddenly clenched. This is the last thing I remember with perfect crispness-her breath floating down to me like a tiny parachute, collapsing without a trace among the piles of shoes.

當他的鞋重重踩入房裡,她嘆息,這呼吸聲離開她時好像肺部突然被緊捏一樣.這是最後一件我可以記得相當清楚的事-她的呼吸漂浮到我身上像小型降落傘,在一堆鞋中毫無痕跡崩散了.

I don’t remember what they said, only the fury of their words, how the air turned raw and full of welts. Later it would remind me of birds trapped inside a closed room, flinging themselves against the windows and the walls, against each other, I inched backward, deeper into the closet, feeling my fingers in my mouth, the taste of shoes, of feet.

我不記得他們說什麼,只有他們忿怒的話,空氣變得刺痛且充滿鞭痕.後來這讓我想到困在緊密房間的鳥,牠們猛撲向窗戶和牆壁,兩人互相對峙,我一吋吋向後退,身埋入櫥櫃,感覺到我的手指在我的嘴巴,嘗起來像鞋,像腳.

Dragged out, I didn’t know at first whose hands pulled me, then found myself in my mother’s arms, breathing her smell. She smoothed my hair, said, “Don’t worry,” but even as she said it, I was peeled away by T. Ray. He carried me to the door and set me down in the hallway. “Go to your room,” he said.

我被拖出來,不知最初是誰的手拉我,然後發現是母親的手臂,我聞著她的味道.她輕撫我的頭髮,說:”不要擔心,”但即使她如此說,我被T. Ray拉開.他帶我走向門放到走廊.說:”去妳的房間.”

“I don’t want to,” I cried, trying to push past him, back into the room, back where she was.

我大叫:”我不要”,試著要推開他回到房裡,回到母親那裡.

“Get in your goddamned room!” he shouted, and shoved me. I landed against the wall, then fell forward onto my hands and knees. Lifting my head, looking past him, I saw her running across the room. Running at him, yelling. “Leave. Her. Alone.”

他大叫,”去.妳.的.房.間!”強推著我.我抵住牆壁,然後跌倒在地.我抬頭,望向母親,我看到她在房間奔跑,跑向他,吼叫:”放.開.她.”

I huddled on the floor beside the door and watched through air that seemed all scratched up. I saw him take her by the shoulders and shake her, her head bouncing back and forth. I saw the whiteness of his lip.

我靠著門蜷縮在地,在空氣中看著好像拼湊起來的一切.我看著他抓住她的肩膀搖撼,她的頭前後晃動,我看到他的嘴唇慘白.

And then-though everything starts to blur now in my mind-she lunged away from him into the closet, away from his grabbing hands, scrambling for something high on a shelf.

然後-雖然每件事在我心裡都開始模糊-她掙脫他緊抓住的手,衝到櫥櫃,在高架上抓取什麼東西.

When I saw the gun in her hand, I ran toward her, clumsy and falling, wanting to save her, to save us all.

當我看到她手上的槍,我跑向她,笨拙而跌撞地,希望可以救她,救我們全部的人.

Time folded in on itself then. What is left lies in clear yet disjointed pieces in my head. The gun shinning like a toy in her hand, how he snatched it away and waved it around. The gun on the floor, Bending to pick it up. The noise that exploded around us.

時間在那時交錯進行.留在我腦海中的是清晰但支離破碎的片斷.在她手上的槍閃亮得像玩具一樣.他又如何地搶走揮動它。槍在地板上,我彎腰撿起來.爆炸聲在我們中間響起.

This is what I know about myself. She was all I wanted. And I took her away.

這是關於我自己所知道的.她是我所想要的一切.但我取走她的生命.