文學與人生 Dream sees the invisible, feels the intangible and achieves the impossible.

Chapter 1-2  母親死亡的陰影,缺乏父愛,替身母親的出現...

 July 1,1964, I lay in bed, waiting for the bees to show up, thinking of what Rosaleen has said when I told her about their nightly visitations.

 1964年7月1日,我躺在床上,等著蜂出現,想著我告訴羅莎蘭有關牠們的夜訪後.她所說的話 

“Bees swarm before death”, she’d said.

她說,蜂死前會成群飛離巢穴.

 Rosaleen had worked for us since my mother died. My daddy-who I called T.Ray because “Daddy” never fit him—had pulled her out of the peach orchard, where she’d worked as one of his pickers.  She had a big round face and a body that sloped out from her neck like a pup tent, and she was so black that night seemed to seep from her skin. She lived alone in a little house tucked back in the woods, not far from us, and came every day to cook, clean, and be my stand-in mother. Rosaleen had never had a child herself, so for the last ten years I’d been her pet guinea pig.

羅莎蘭自從我母親死後就來這裡工作.我爹地-我叫他迪瑞,因為”爹地”從不適用在他身上-他從桃子園將她帶過來,在那裡她原本也是採收的工人.她有一張大圓臉,身體從脖子下來像三角形的小帳棚,而她的皮膚如此黑,好像黑夜從她的皮膚可以滲透過去.她獨自住在樹林裡面的小房子,離我們不遠,每天來煮飯,打掃,也當我的替身母親.羅莎蘭自己從來沒有小孩,所以在過去的這10年我是她的寵物天竺鼠.

Bees swarm before death. She was full of crazy ideas that I ignored, but I lay there thinking about this one, wondering if the bees had come with my death in mind. Honestly, I wasn’t that disturbed by the idea. Every one of those bees could have descended on me like a flock of angels and stung me till I died, and it wouldn’t have been the worst thing to happen. People who think dying is the worst thing don’t know a thing about life.

蜂死前會成群飛離巢穴.她充滿瘋狂的想法,我不理會,但我躺著想著這一個,懷疑蜂是否與我心中所想的死亡一起出現。老實說,我不會為這個想法感到困擾.那些蜂像一群天使一樣,可能會突襲我,以刺螫我直到死亡為止,這不是一件最糟的事.人們以為死亡是最糟的事,卻對生命一點也不了解.

My mother died when I was four years old. It was a fact of life, but if I brought it up, people would suddenly get interested in their hangnails and cuticles, or else distant places in the sky, and seem not to hear me. Once in a while, though, some caring soul would say, “Just put it out of your head, Lily. It was an accident. You didn’t mean to do it.”

我的母親在我四歲時死亡.這是生命中的現象,但如果我提出來了,人們會突然對他們的肉刺和表皮感興趣,要不然就是天際遙遠的地方,似乎也聽不見我說什麼.然而有時,有些關心的人會說,”不要將這些事放在心上,莉莉.那是意外,妳不是故意的.”

That night I lay in bed and thought about dying and going to be with my mother in paradise. I would meet her saying, “Mother, forgive. Please forgive,” and she would kiss my skin till it grew chapped and tell me I was not to blame. She would tell me this for the first ten thousand years.

那晚我躺在床上想著死亡,希望和母親一起到天堂.我遇到她時會說,”母親,原諒我.請原諒我.”而她會在我膚上親吻直到產生痕跡為止,然後告訴我這不能怪我.她會在最初的一萬年不斷地如此告訴我.

The next ten thousand years she would fix my hair. She would brush it into such a tower of beauty, people all over heaven would drop their harps just to admire it. You can tell which girls lack mothers by the look of their hair. My hair was constantly going off in eleven wrong directions, and T. Ray, naturally, refused to buy me bristle rollers, so all year I’d had to roll it on Welch’s grape juice cans, which had nearly turned me into an insomniac. I was always having to choose between decent hair and a good night’s sleep.

接下來的一萬年她會照顧我的頭髮.梳成像美麗的高塔,在天堂的人都會丟下手上的豎琴來觀賞它.你可以從頭髮看出哪一位女孩缺少母親.我的頭髮經常往11個錯誤方向豎立,而迪瑞,自然地,拒絕買鬃毛捲髮筒給我,所以終年我都只能使用威爾斯的葡萄汁罐頭,這讓我幾乎成為不眠症患者.我經常要選擇,是要一頭美好的髮型還是一夜好眠.

I decided I would take four or five centuries to tell her about the special misery of living with T. Ray. He had an orneriness year-round, but especially in the summer, when he worked his peach orchards daylight to dusk. Mostly I stayed out of his way. His only kindness was for Snout, his bird dog, who slept in his bed and got her stomach scratched anytime she rolled onto her wiry back. I’ve seen Snout pee on T. Ray’s boot and it not get a rise out of him.

我決定要花400或500年的時間告訴她有關和迪瑞住在一起的悲慘生活.他終年都是壞脾氣,尤其是在夏天,他要在桃子園從白天工作到黃昏.我大概都會避開他.他只會對象鼻仁慈,那是他的補鳥獵犬,不只睡在他的床上,在牠用結實的背翻過身後,還不時幫牠抓腹部.

I had asked God repeatedly to do something about T. Ray. He’d gone to church for forty years and was only getting worse. It seemed like this should tell God something.

我一直求上帝對迪瑞做點什麼.他已經去教會40年了,但只有更糟罷了.這樣似乎應該要告訴上帝什麼事.

I kicked back the sheets. The room sat in perfect stillness, not one bee anywhere. Every minute I looked at the clock on my dresser and wondered what was keeping them.

我踢開被單.這房間完全沒有任何動靜,到處都沒有一隻蜂.每一分鐘我望著梳妝台上的鐘,疑惑著什麼事讓牠們不能來了.

Finally, sometime close to midnight, when my eyelids had nearly given up the strain of staying open, a purring noise started over in the corner, low and vibrating, a sound you could almost mistake for a cat. Moments later shadows moved like spatter paint along the walls, catching the light when they passed the window so I could see the outline of wings. The sound swelled in the dark till the entire room was pulsating, till the air itself became alive and matted with bees. They lapped around my body, making me the perfect center of a whirlwind cloud. I could not hear myself think for all the bee hum.

最後,約在午夜的時候;當我的眼皮已經放棄要竭力睜開眼睛,一陣低顫的聲音從角落開始發出,低而振動的聲音,幾乎會誤以為是貓.不久後,陰影沿著牆移動像潑墨畫,經過窗邊補捉到光影讓我看到牠們翅膀的輪廓.聲音在夜晚中增強直到整個房間在悸動中.直到空氣變得有生氣而且和蜂纏結在一起.牠們圍繞著我的身體,讓我好像剛好置身於旋風的中央雲層中.想也知道處在這蜂嗡嗡響之中,我已聽不到自己的聲音了.

I dug my nails into my palms till my skin had nearly turned to herringbone. A person could get stung half to death in a roomful of bees.

我將指甲戳進手掌,直到我的皮膚快成為飛魚魚骨.一個人處在整間蜂的房間可能會被螫個半死吧.

Still, the sight was a true spectacle. Suddenly I couldn’t stand not showing it off to somebody, even if the only person around was T. Ray. And if he happened to get stung by a couple of hundred bees, well, I was sorry.

仍然,這景象是真的奇觀.突然我無法忍受不炫耀給別人看,即使身旁唯一的人是迪瑞.而如果他剛好被數百隻的蜂螫著,那麼,我很抱歉.

I slid from the covers and dashed through the bees for the door. I woke him by touching his arm with one finger, softly at first, then harder and harder till I was jabbing into his flesh, marveling at how hard it was.

我滑下被窩,經過蜂群,急衝向門我用一隻手指碰他的手臂叫醒他,開始輕輕地,然後愈來愈大力直到我猛刺他的肉,令人驚訝是多麼的用力.

T. Ray bolted from bed, wearing nothing but his underwear. I dragged him toward my room,  shouting how this better be good, how the house damn well better be on fire, and Snout barking like we were on a dove shoot.

迪瑞跳開了床,只穿著內衣,我拖他到我的房間,他咆哮著最好是好事,這房子最好是著火了,象鼻在旁吠叫好像我們在狩獵鴿子.

“Bees!” I shouted. “There’s a swarm of bees in my room!” But when we got there, they’d vanished back into the wall like they knew he was coming, like they didn’t want to waste their flying stunts on him.

“蜜蜂!”,我大喊.”在我房間有一群蜜蜂!”但我們到時,牠們已經消失回到牆裡,好像知道他會來一樣,像是不想浪費牠們的飛行特技給他觀賞.

“Goddamn it, Lily, this ain’t funny.”

“這是什麼狀況,莉莉,這可不好笑.”

I looked up and down the walls. I got down under the bed and begged the very dust and coils of my bedsprings to produce a bee.

我上下探望著牆壁.趴在床底下,乞求床的彈簧內有灰塵和細圈可以變出一隻蜂來.

“They were here,” I said. “Flying everywhere.”

“牠們在這裡,”我說.”到處飛著.”

“Yeah, and there was a goddamn herd of buffalo in here, too.”

“是啊,而且這裡也還有一群野牛啊!”

“Listen,” I said. “You can hear them buzzing.”

“聽,”我說,”你可以聽到牠們的嗡嗡聲.”

He cocked his ear toward the wall with pretend seriousness. “I don’t hear any buzzing,” he said, and twirled his finger beside his temple. “I guess they must have flown out of that cuckoo clock you call a brain. You wake me up again, Lily, and I’ll get out the Martha Whites, you hear me?”

 他豎起耳朵靠到牆上,假裝認真的樣子.”我沒聽到任何嗡嗡聲,” 他說,在他的太陽穴旁轉動他的手指.”我猜牠們一定是從布穀鳥自鳴鐘也就是你所謂的大腦裡飛出來的.如果妳再吵醒我,莉莉,我就要使出瑪莎懷特的懲罰,妳聽到了嗎?”

Martha Whites were a form of punishment only T. R could have dreamed up. I shut my mouth instantly.

瑪莎懷特是一種懲罰的形式,只有迪瑞可以作夢得到.我立刻閉上嘴.

Still, I couldn’t let the matter go entirely—T. Ray thinking I was so desperate I would invent an invasion of bees to get attention. Which is how I got the bright idea of catching a jar of these bees, presenting them to T. Ray, and saying, “Now who’s making things up?”

仍然,我不能讓整個事件這樣結束-迪瑞以為我沮喪到可以捏造蜜蜂的幻影來得到注意.也之所以我得到這個聰明的主意,要抓一罐蜜蜂,拿去給笛瑞看,說,”現在是誰在編故事呢？”